A sexologist and psychotherapist talk about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increasing potency or where is "male power" going?
The Internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miracle" pills and drinks that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born of demand. What happened - why did the men "break down"? The Internet and social networks have proven to be more "interesting" than living women? Or maybe the ladies themselves are to blame for their gentlemen having less and less desire to be men, as well as a desire to fulfill that desire?
These and other questions were answered by a well-known sexologist-psychotherapist.
If a man is not interested in a particular woman and sex life in general, impotence occurs. . . Is that fair?
- The term "impotence" has been excluded from the world classification of diseases and replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". Yet the word "impotence" is still common in everyday life. A literal translation means "no power". For men, this is a very important area of life. And if there is failure in it, then in almost every case, regardless of the main reasons, there is a mental component. Men see only the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of an erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, these complaints are accompanied by an emotional component. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Whatever women think of men, in fact, they all want to be successful not only at work, but also in their personal lives.
Now there is a lot of talk about the impotence of "rejuvenating". is that right?
- I have 16 years of practice in the profession and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. Indeed, in the past 10-15 years, a decrease in the average age of our patients can be noticed. More and more young people are attending. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40, now it is 35.
When a man "can't and doesn't want to", what is wrong with him: physiology, psychology, or maybe social factors?
- There is usually no one reason. When I communicate with the patient, I try to understand his lifestyle - what are his emotions, is he getting enough sleep, is there a midlife crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the behavior of his partner? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only demands the fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Anxiety expectation syndrome often occurs in practice. In this state, the man is fixed on failure, and the next time he is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman willingly or unwillingly "adds fuel to the fire", sexual neurosis is formed. And man includes "avoidance behavior. "Some come across work or alcohol. Some - unknowingly provoke quarrels with the husband, to make the idea of intimacy seem absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different ways instead of going to the doctor. And they worsen the problem and the relationship with the partner, the wife. And it's not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist because of illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
No "can" or "won't"?Women are often tormented by one question: what is more important - "can't" or "doesn't want"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other - you can "do not want" and "you can not" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, above all, a clear indicator of "I want" and not "I can". But even this "desire" is not unlimited. Much depends on the gender constitution, ie the temperament of the man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not notice the problem or even accuse a woman of wanting "too much" from him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man - for example, kisses, gentle gestures. And an erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" appears, this is the beginning of a dead end.
There is more and more talk about the impact of stress on the modern man - is it really that scary for the intimate sphere?
- Certainly. Nature is against conceiving in a stressful situation. And it reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. The level of stress increases - the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin increases, and it, in turn, suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the sexual sphere is deactivated.
The main woman is the mother.They say that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and what kind of relationship he has with his mother - is that true?
- Without a doubt! The first prototype of a woman for a boy is a mother. She is the one who lays the foundations for relationships with the opposite sex. Every woman who wants happiness for her child, especially a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. During this period, a positive and negative, open or cautious attitude towards women is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete, and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will not see either female or male behavior as a result. . . And as a result, his experience of communicating with the opposite sex can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, disappointment. . . Moreover, isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change partners indefinitely, being left alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, ie promiscuity without the possibility of establishing deep emotional relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes made by mothers raising boys?
- A boy must see an example of male behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end, there are uncles, grandfathers. But ideally, of course, there should be a father loved by the boy’s mother. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictation are dangerous. They are filled with the appearance of infantile and female behavior in teenagers.
Marry - only out of love! Some women are obsessed with their looks and do everything to please their husbands. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Maybe a woman generally behaves so "wrongly" that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
- A lot depends on the woman, both in a positive and in a negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband in messy clothes, blame him in case of sexual failure (although, if you think about it, it's not his, but hers), not support him, but humiliate and "finish off" words and all your behavior, and here are the results: he wants nothing! Therefore, to the young women who come to me, I keep saying: "Marry out of love, respect your man, praise him - and he will move your mountains! " Neat appearance, good physical shape, perfume, grooming are always a plus. But the panic obsession of some women with their appearance is already a problem of women's self-esteem and relationships with others. After all, if people are attracted to each other only by their bodies, this is a "castrated" version of human love. There must be a desire of souls, people must be interested together not only in bed, but also outside it.
These "terrible" business women. Does it happen that a socially successful woman does not attract men, but scares them? After all, where do the armies of beautiful, smart and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It is not about success, but about patterns of behavior. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use male models of behavior - for example, she becomes assertive, sharp, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then male or, more simply, "brave" men do not like it. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sissy"), such a model can look attractive, because they are used to listening.
Take care of the men! If a woman is ready to fight for her husband, for family happiness, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you have to let him sleep. Stop all criticism completely - even one that a woman may find constructive. Ask for forgiveness for past mistakes. To tell her she hasn't needed sex in at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And on that background - daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamics on this background, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find both medical and hidden psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the person that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" people at the reception. Appointments with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of your sex life - and it is possible!
Is there an example from your practice where a woman has helped a man gain faith in himself - in every sense?
- I'll tell you about my recent patient's wife. Her behavior is amazing! I was approached by an entrepreneur who suffered a lot in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell on him, and in the midst of stress, his attraction to his wife began to decline. But most of all, he was worried about telling her that he might soon lose his job completely and run out of money and big debts. . . But his wife is used to a high standard of living. . . I advised her to tell her everything that exists. If not a close person, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not let me down. At the next examination, the patient reported that his wife questioned him and said: "It's okay, if this happens, I will go to work. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and I will always love you, no matter what happens. Already from these words the man gained strength, the panic disappeared, and things improved for him - in every sense. At the last term, he told me: "I will never leave my wife - I will remember this day for the rest of my life! " I think that this woman deserves his love. And I am calm for their relationship. I want people to love, appreciate, respect and support each other more. And that these were not words, but deeds.